Post by Icarus on Mar 26, 2008 8:18:54 GMT -5
I was reading an article written by Dr. George Thompson, Founder of the Verbal Judo Institute, where he discusses seven things that a police officer-or, in our case, anyone attempting to bring order to a situation- should never say. It then goes on to explain why this is the case. I have taken these seven statements, and I will discuss the reasoning behind why these statements should be eliminated from our verbal arsenals.
1. "HEY YOU! COME HERE!"
By commanding another person, we are placing ourselves above them. They become subjects under our authority. First off, this is against our principles, as we do not elevate ourselves above anyone else. However, there is a much more important reason for not using this statement. By suggesting that the other person is under our authority in any way, we allow that person a way of seeing the situation in a combative way. When our desire is for peace, using a statement such as “Hey you! Come here!” places us at a disadvantage, as the person we are speaking to then has an ego check and determines whether or not to submit to our “authority.” In highly volatile situations, the other person is likely to rebel against any attempt to have them submit.
Instead, we should use statements such as, “Hello! Can you help me with this situation?” or “Can you help me understand what is going on here?”
With statements such as these, the one attempting to resolve a situation allows for a representation of “helper” and “friend” and “equal participant.” Those that are participating in an aggressive way, in a volatile situation, are more likely to respond favorably to one that is respectful and employs equal status-portrayal and behaves in such a way to them.
2. "CALM DOWN!"
This statement suggests that a person is behaving irrationally and has absolutely no reason to behave in such a way. We must remember that in some situations, emotions are running very high, people have experienced tremendous loss, and they may be being threatened still. It is their right to feel any emotion, but it is up to others, such as ourselves, to offer support and peaceful alternatives to potentially damaging, emotionally charged reactions. It is suggested that instead of saying, “Calm down!” we use phrases such as, “What has happened here?” “Can you please tell me what is wrong here?” “Is there something that I can do to help you? Maybe if you explain the situation to me, I may be able to help you.”
This places you in a position of partnership with the other person and initiates a rapport of trust between you and the active parties. In this way, it is much more likely that a peaceful and equitable resolution will occur, as emotions may subdue a bit, and rational thinking may take its place.
3. "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN!"
This statement is a threat, plain and simple. In a highly volatile situation, we must be mindful and tactical in our actions. By threatening someone, we again, place ourselves in an elevated status above others. We are no longer participants with the other people, we are telling them that if they do not behave in a fashion that we approve of, then we will harm them in some way. This is completely antagonistic to our desires as peace makers.
Is it morally sound to give a warning to someone that may act in a harmful way towards us? That is dependent on the situation. If we are acting in an equal-status capacity, and emotions are calmed, rational thinking has taken the place of emotional reactions, and communication has begun, then we have already passed the most difficult part of dispute resolution. However, in any given situation, it is very likely that an aggressive action may take place, and we must be prepared for this. It is in our best interests not to vocalize our intentions of defense. We must be prepared to act appropriately, but the element of surprise is often the best weapon. If we tell someone that we are prepared to “harm” them in any way if they do not act in accordance with our wishes, then they will also be preparing for an altercation. It is a very wise tactic to prepare for such an altercation, but keep communication flowing in the terms of peace.
It is also important to remember that we are not police officers, and in the event that we are in a situation where peace making skills are required, we cannot go about threatening our fellow citizens. It is not our right to do this, and any attempt to do so may result in prosecution.
4. "BE MORE REASONABLE!"
We are not any other person, and thus, we cannot know what their life experiences have been to lead them to their current situation. So, how can we know if they are reasonable or not? We can know if their actions are reasonable or in the areas of lawfulness, but we cannot, for one instance know if their feelings and thoughts are reasonable. However, like the statement, “Calm down!” this is another statement that tells another person that they are not justified in feeling the way that they do. We must accept that they may have perfect justification-even if we do not see it the same way-for feeling the way that they do. The other person(s) will then feel the need to justify and defend their feelings to us, which, in turn, makes us another “enemy” that may be targeted for aggressive actions. In such situations, it is far better to use phrases such as, “Please tell me why you feel this way.” “Why do you feel this way?” “Please explain what led you to this point so that I may be able to understand things from your perspective.”
5. "BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES"
Always be prepared to explain why a law is a law, or a rule has been made. Our society has been built of rebellions and revolutionary activity that opposed tyrannical oppression. People in our world are expected to react against anything that they see as oppressive or a way to strip them of their inalienable rights as free citizens. We must respect this perspective, as it is only through people brave enough to oppose tyranny that we have our freedoms. Given this, we must also be prepared to better explain situations to our fellow citizens. In a situation where someone asks “Why” they must behave in a certain way, or follow a certain set of rules, we must be prepared to explain this to them in a way that they will understand, not just dictate to them that they must follow the rules because someone else thought them wise. Look at it this way, if a person is asking “why?” then they truly want to know. We have an obligation to educate others and help them to understand presented information so that they, too, can become productive members of society. *
*This is not to say that they are not productive at that point, only that it may help that person to understand current conditions from a different perspective, and then go forth to either crerate positive change, or tactically modify their attempt to create change to a more productive one.
6. "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
This is yet another example of how we instinctively, and nonchalantly, attempt to elevate ourselves above others when they act in ways that are not in accordance with our own desires. It is an ego driven statement if there ever was one. When we use statements like this, we are saying, “You are an imbecile and are acting as such. Why can’t you just behave yourself and fall in line like every other social drone out there?” This is not what is desired. We should encourage independent thought and action, and when presented with a situation where we feel driven to ask this very question, we should alter it so that we may gain better understanding of the perspective involved. We might use statements such as, “I see you are very disturbed by this situation. Would you mind telling me why that is?” “I don’t understand what has transpired here. You seem very upset, would you help me to understand the situation?” When we use statements such as these, we tend to give the other person an opportunity to voice their concerns, an outlet that they may not have had before. This may act to decrease tension, hostility, and may even cause an effective conversation to occur where both parties receive intelligence that they may not otherwise have had opportunity to acquire. It is a very effective tactical measure that should be employed by all people involved in a situation where discourse can occur.
7. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?"
Ahem, but why get involved if you have nothing to offer, and care even less about what occurs? Statements such as this cause other people to look at us as arrogant and as having a mindset that all others are incompetent and cannot possibly inflict change without our aid. Instead, try using statements such as, “Is there something I might do to help this situation/you/anyone?” In this way, we establish that rapport between the involved parties and display ourselves as equals all attempting to create positive change. People tend to react favorably when they feel as if they have support and counterparts that share responsibility. If we do not have such a rapport with others, then there will be no chance to create any changes in the potentially damaging behavior of others and hostile situations in which we may find ourselves in.
Through these small alterations, we can possibly create better alternatives in difficult times. It is through attempts such as these that people learn that they are not alone, the world is not out to get them, and that they do have a voice. Is this foolproof? No, nothing is, and we must always be vigilant in our pursuits. Violence can occur at any time, and we must be prepared for this. However, we must not seek it, and instead, should do all that we can to ensure that peace is the ultimate objective.
1. "HEY YOU! COME HERE!"
By commanding another person, we are placing ourselves above them. They become subjects under our authority. First off, this is against our principles, as we do not elevate ourselves above anyone else. However, there is a much more important reason for not using this statement. By suggesting that the other person is under our authority in any way, we allow that person a way of seeing the situation in a combative way. When our desire is for peace, using a statement such as “Hey you! Come here!” places us at a disadvantage, as the person we are speaking to then has an ego check and determines whether or not to submit to our “authority.” In highly volatile situations, the other person is likely to rebel against any attempt to have them submit.
Instead, we should use statements such as, “Hello! Can you help me with this situation?” or “Can you help me understand what is going on here?”
With statements such as these, the one attempting to resolve a situation allows for a representation of “helper” and “friend” and “equal participant.” Those that are participating in an aggressive way, in a volatile situation, are more likely to respond favorably to one that is respectful and employs equal status-portrayal and behaves in such a way to them.
2. "CALM DOWN!"
This statement suggests that a person is behaving irrationally and has absolutely no reason to behave in such a way. We must remember that in some situations, emotions are running very high, people have experienced tremendous loss, and they may be being threatened still. It is their right to feel any emotion, but it is up to others, such as ourselves, to offer support and peaceful alternatives to potentially damaging, emotionally charged reactions. It is suggested that instead of saying, “Calm down!” we use phrases such as, “What has happened here?” “Can you please tell me what is wrong here?” “Is there something that I can do to help you? Maybe if you explain the situation to me, I may be able to help you.”
This places you in a position of partnership with the other person and initiates a rapport of trust between you and the active parties. In this way, it is much more likely that a peaceful and equitable resolution will occur, as emotions may subdue a bit, and rational thinking may take its place.
3. "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN!"
This statement is a threat, plain and simple. In a highly volatile situation, we must be mindful and tactical in our actions. By threatening someone, we again, place ourselves in an elevated status above others. We are no longer participants with the other people, we are telling them that if they do not behave in a fashion that we approve of, then we will harm them in some way. This is completely antagonistic to our desires as peace makers.
Is it morally sound to give a warning to someone that may act in a harmful way towards us? That is dependent on the situation. If we are acting in an equal-status capacity, and emotions are calmed, rational thinking has taken the place of emotional reactions, and communication has begun, then we have already passed the most difficult part of dispute resolution. However, in any given situation, it is very likely that an aggressive action may take place, and we must be prepared for this. It is in our best interests not to vocalize our intentions of defense. We must be prepared to act appropriately, but the element of surprise is often the best weapon. If we tell someone that we are prepared to “harm” them in any way if they do not act in accordance with our wishes, then they will also be preparing for an altercation. It is a very wise tactic to prepare for such an altercation, but keep communication flowing in the terms of peace.
It is also important to remember that we are not police officers, and in the event that we are in a situation where peace making skills are required, we cannot go about threatening our fellow citizens. It is not our right to do this, and any attempt to do so may result in prosecution.
4. "BE MORE REASONABLE!"
We are not any other person, and thus, we cannot know what their life experiences have been to lead them to their current situation. So, how can we know if they are reasonable or not? We can know if their actions are reasonable or in the areas of lawfulness, but we cannot, for one instance know if their feelings and thoughts are reasonable. However, like the statement, “Calm down!” this is another statement that tells another person that they are not justified in feeling the way that they do. We must accept that they may have perfect justification-even if we do not see it the same way-for feeling the way that they do. The other person(s) will then feel the need to justify and defend their feelings to us, which, in turn, makes us another “enemy” that may be targeted for aggressive actions. In such situations, it is far better to use phrases such as, “Please tell me why you feel this way.” “Why do you feel this way?” “Please explain what led you to this point so that I may be able to understand things from your perspective.”
5. "BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES"
Always be prepared to explain why a law is a law, or a rule has been made. Our society has been built of rebellions and revolutionary activity that opposed tyrannical oppression. People in our world are expected to react against anything that they see as oppressive or a way to strip them of their inalienable rights as free citizens. We must respect this perspective, as it is only through people brave enough to oppose tyranny that we have our freedoms. Given this, we must also be prepared to better explain situations to our fellow citizens. In a situation where someone asks “Why” they must behave in a certain way, or follow a certain set of rules, we must be prepared to explain this to them in a way that they will understand, not just dictate to them that they must follow the rules because someone else thought them wise. Look at it this way, if a person is asking “why?” then they truly want to know. We have an obligation to educate others and help them to understand presented information so that they, too, can become productive members of society. *
*This is not to say that they are not productive at that point, only that it may help that person to understand current conditions from a different perspective, and then go forth to either crerate positive change, or tactically modify their attempt to create change to a more productive one.
6. "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
This is yet another example of how we instinctively, and nonchalantly, attempt to elevate ourselves above others when they act in ways that are not in accordance with our own desires. It is an ego driven statement if there ever was one. When we use statements like this, we are saying, “You are an imbecile and are acting as such. Why can’t you just behave yourself and fall in line like every other social drone out there?” This is not what is desired. We should encourage independent thought and action, and when presented with a situation where we feel driven to ask this very question, we should alter it so that we may gain better understanding of the perspective involved. We might use statements such as, “I see you are very disturbed by this situation. Would you mind telling me why that is?” “I don’t understand what has transpired here. You seem very upset, would you help me to understand the situation?” When we use statements such as these, we tend to give the other person an opportunity to voice their concerns, an outlet that they may not have had before. This may act to decrease tension, hostility, and may even cause an effective conversation to occur where both parties receive intelligence that they may not otherwise have had opportunity to acquire. It is a very effective tactical measure that should be employed by all people involved in a situation where discourse can occur.
7. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?"
Ahem, but why get involved if you have nothing to offer, and care even less about what occurs? Statements such as this cause other people to look at us as arrogant and as having a mindset that all others are incompetent and cannot possibly inflict change without our aid. Instead, try using statements such as, “Is there something I might do to help this situation/you/anyone?” In this way, we establish that rapport between the involved parties and display ourselves as equals all attempting to create positive change. People tend to react favorably when they feel as if they have support and counterparts that share responsibility. If we do not have such a rapport with others, then there will be no chance to create any changes in the potentially damaging behavior of others and hostile situations in which we may find ourselves in.
Through these small alterations, we can possibly create better alternatives in difficult times. It is through attempts such as these that people learn that they are not alone, the world is not out to get them, and that they do have a voice. Is this foolproof? No, nothing is, and we must always be vigilant in our pursuits. Violence can occur at any time, and we must be prepared for this. However, we must not seek it, and instead, should do all that we can to ensure that peace is the ultimate objective.
